I type that on my phone. Then I change it to “Hello.”, where it sounds more solemn, more peaceful, less happier-sounding than the one with an exclamation point… in my head at least. Then I press backspace, and I exit to the home page of my phone. It wasn’t the right time to say hello.
I lay on my bed and I ponder on what I just did. It’s been almost 2 months since I saw you, and things have definitely changed. The morning routine of wishing you a good morning, or the late-night “Good night, I love you!” text that I never got to send again— I had to unlearn everything. And it’s fine, because 2 months later, I’m okay.
It’s been 2 months, if you think about it. Pretty long, huh? Maybe I’m one of the lucky people who don’t get to see their exes strut down in front of you, where you both pretend to not see each other. Good thing we’re spared from that daily ordeal, since now we were able to make new routines, new habits, new whatevers that do not involve either of us. The only thing that would make us, or at least me, cringe a bit now is the occasional “have you talked to him/her ever since you guys broke up?” by a close friend or even an acquaintance of us both. It’s not a bad kind of cringe though (I still don’t harbor any kind of bad feelings for you, honestly), but it’s the cringe caused by the fact that my brain suddenly dug up an image of you from the corners of my heart. Then, that cringe is followed by a cascade of memories of various ways we have said hello before, from eye contacts and smiles to hugs and kisses. And then, a faint feeling of missing you returns, and I tell my friend: “No, I haven’t! Um, should I?”
I’ll talk about how it’s not the right time to do so. I usually say that I want to say hello when I’ve proven to myself something or when we see each other again. But is there actually a right time to do that? Hmm, so maybe it’s not about me. Maybe it’s because I’m scared of what you’d think of me. I don’t want to look like the type of ex who exudes “I’m-lonely-and-I-need-you-so-much-OMG”, just in case you attempt to wonder. I also don’t want to give off that “hey look I’m doing so good and you’re missing out so much blahblahblah”, just in case you switch to this thought.
I want to say hello because I genuinely want to know how you’re doing. I want to say hello because before we were in a relationship, you were my friend. I risked that friendship for love, and that’s something I still want— our friendship, even if I have to earn it again and again. Even if it takes time. And I know 2 months isn’t enough, even if I’m already okay, because maybe you’re not. I really don’t know.
I want you to let me say hello without you thinking if there’s anything attached to it. I just want you to accept the hello. I will say hello, someday. And I pray to God everyday that maybe… maybe you’ll say ‘hi’ back.